I’ve rewritten this post in my mind about fifteen times in my head over the past week. Sometimes it’s snarky, catty and down right mean. But others it’s apologetic and empathetic. But I’ve decided to aim for an earnest and sincere approach.
Let me start by saying, I am sorry you are hurt. I am so sorry you feel pain over the recent events of your life. Anyone who knows me (which you do not, in any way shape or form) knows that I would never intentionally inflict pain upon another human being. This isn’t because I never have ill fillings towards others, but because I feel I have no place in the judgement or justice of others. Nothing in this world gives me the right to label another human being, and I refuse to do so.
Let me make a quick cut to the end image here in case you don’t want to read this entire lengthy post. Nothing I say, nothing I do, and nothing about me can or will ever fix the place you are currently in. I do sincerely hope you can find peace with or without your husband, but I am not and cannot be the person to bring that to you. No matter how many times you privately view my LinkedIn, stalk my blog, follow me on my numerous random social media outlets or send me (and my husband) insulting messages, my life can never ever fix yours.
You continuously emphasize the importance of responsibility. Of taking ownership of our own actions, of truly and honestly understanding our own parts in our worlds. For some reason, you seem to need me to inform you of the consequences I’ve faced for my actions. You need me to tell you where I have or have not failed in my attempts to right my wrongs in life. But unfortunately, you have no right to that. My husband doesn’t need you sending him messages from fake profiles on Facebook. He knows what I have and have not done. He knows where I went wrong and where I attempted to correct my mistakes. And I have no responsibility, no obligation to explain to you how that has affected my life. But I’ll tell you it has. I have experienced hell and back and carried continuous guilt for what people think I may or may not have done despite the truth. But while we’re on the topic of responsibility. I’ll take the moment to mention that it seems you yourself have not faced your own actions (or lack there of) in life. Where are you in this equation that you continuously feel the need to shove in my face? Where are your failures? What did you do, (or not do) to allow your life and your relationships to end up where they are right now? You cannot blame someone on the outside for your failures inside. Like you, I lived my life with partial information from a third party. You may have 16 years of pain, blindness and lies on you. But that does not make the deception I faced any less real. I cannot help you with your own part in where you are. You will need to find that within yourself. Somewhere. It’s there I’m sure as I’ve heard about the great mother you are, the strong caretaker who gave up your own happiness to follow around the career of someone else just to end up here. But that’s a strength you must find on your own. I have nothing for you. Nothing that can help you.
“I know what it’s like to grow up with a mother like you”
Do you? Because to me it seems you are lacking the self confidence and self love that your mother should have taught you. A mother like me has taught my daughter that life is beautiful, and never, ever perfect. That her mistakes are her own to repair in whatever way she needs to feel as though she righted herself. That her life is not someone else’s to dictate, to decide what she is or isn’t. And that her facing her consequences is a journey she can take as alone as she feels. She understands the beauty of humanity, mistakes and the importance of only those closest to her. A mother like me will have a strong, giving and real daughter. She won’t attempt to hide behind a divine being and the art of “prayer” to feel better about calling other people whores.
This brings me to my last message. Do not, ever think that God or Jesus or whatever being you believe in looks the other way while you try and disrupt the life I am rebuilding. Do not think for a second that any God would approve of you calling someone a whore, of you stalking someone, and attempting to get in the way of their life after they’ve asked you countless times to let them be. How can you sit there and claim that you PRAY for someone or their loved ones, while purposely getting in the way of them living their lives? Where in the Bible did God give you the right to inflict whatever punishment you see fit to others while pretending to be holy and giving to his spirit? I’m sure the answer is nowhere. So essentially, what I’m getting at here, is that your actions are hypocritical and really paint you in a light that doesn’t show your best attributes.
I’ll say again, and for the last time for you, I’m sorry anything I ever did caused you pain. I’m sorry you hurt and I’m sorry it took you months to realize what was happening in your own home. But I made my efforts to make it stop and even took myself out of my expected career in attempt to make it stop. So don’t think I didn’t have a hand in the consequences, that I didn’t face mine or that I’m not earning my rights as a wife, a mother, a friend, and a brand new employee in a new career.
I wish the best for you. I truly do. And I hope that you can find a way to either fix your marriage, or better yet that you find that strength to move on on your own. But I will never take the insults you throw at me or my husband seriously. Because I know exactly who I am, what I am, and the mistakes I’ve made. Your judgment has no place in my life.
Ku Ku Kachoo Mrs. Hull, Heaven holds a place for those who pray. Those who pray with true intentions and pure of heart. If that’s what you believe in of course. I do hope you make your way out of where you are though. But once again, and one final time, I am not the answer to that. Good luck.